you know what really sucks? when you put like all your time into someone and you get to know someone and you like really try to make something wonderful.. but they are so oblivious to it. like they don't want you that way in there life. but it felt like they did. and you know that you could have had something real something amazinf something beautiful. yeah that really sucks.

it's really stupid when you dont know what to do anymore, when you feel like its easyier just to say fuck it and give up. cause for one: you have no one to like be with and love. for two: the people who you want to need you, makes it seem like you don't or they just use you.. they talk to you till they get there fill and off they go to live there life and they don't want to help you. for three: you don't see your life going anywhere.. yeah i could like go to school get straight A's and like have an awesome job, lots of money.. but why? when you know your not going to have anyone to spend that money on, or any like modivatoin to actually go to school or work. its seriosuly bull shit.

maybe i assume to much for my own good. but i'd be nice if like when you meet someone they would just tell you " hi, your going to fall in love with me, and i'm going to just lie to you and soon leave you all alone. k? k! thanx.".. i mean at least then i would know what i am getting myself into. i could build a wall to stand upagainst instead of waiting until after they fuck with my mind and heart and build the wall to keep them out of my life. but with me. i like put a fucking door in my wall. and they knock again. i know they will. cause after they get there fucking fix. they'll come back for me.. but they won't stay. i should lock my fucking door.

God, i am fucking insane. seriously. i write and bitch and rant and rave about life & love. i should get a fucking hobbie or something. Ugh. i hate saadia. =] [[only erica gets it]] haha.

i'm just going to keep writing.. if your still reading. then awesome i'll be your hobbie..

i try and zone out my life through music. but i think it just fucks with my mind more. cause most lyrics to songs are really very deppressing. i feel like i should sit in a circle with a bunch of emo kids and pretend to cut ourselves. yes pretend.. cuz no "emo" attention seeking child actually does. and if they do its bearly like a cat scratch. i know. cuz i have. only a few times my cuts were hardcore. and those scard.

i haven't been able to paint.and that really blows. my paint sucks and im not allowed. i really need to paint. it helps so much. and i put my life into it. so when i cant.. my life kinda stops.

i miss my friends. like my good friends. nancy first i haven't seen her in for fucking ever. erica second that whore needs to like live at my house. cause i love her. and alex i miss her. i miss gary. but we didnt really hang out anyway. but when we did. it was like THE SHIT. yep. who else. oh i miss talking to shane. i miss chatting with blake. even though it hurts. :].... Ummm i miss going to the dessert with marcus, ryan, and chad. i miss matts cute face. saadia go die. ummm i miss sushi with my uncle, and spending time with my aunt. i miss spending time with my sister. i know i see her like everyday. but usually rusty's on her mind. and it pisses me off so much that he has so much like power over her.. not like mental or physically. but through love. she loves you so much rusty. wtf? is wrong with you? stop being such a fucking pussy ass nazi and marry her and make a nice little family. be a fucking man. ass. ummmmm ohh i miss joe, we need to hang out more.go to the mall and pick you up some "arm candy". i miss my best friend [[ethan]]. he's better then you... and he knows it. yep. there are more poeple like steven, yessie, robbie, robery, judy, holly, brian, cesar, mikey, lizzy[[bff]], kat[[babiesdaddy]], yaya, vinny, geo, nai, janay, carl, chris, pearl, Jazzy , aubrey, shawn, josh,harley & meg.. yep.

i want to make Kandii, lots of it. i want to eat ice cream. like cold stone, cake batter with butterfinger, in a waffle cone..with chocolate&nuts. i know im fat. but its yummmie.

i think i'm done.

Life Is Lovely, But Hard. Hopefully It Will Soon Be Worth Living For.

Listen to more and better music, get an actual opinion, open your mind more. stop stealing my shit saadia. fuck off and die. =]